He had the same problems we do, and in this case, he had a problem with depression.

Why do we get ourselves into such emotional messes?
Sometimes because of what happens to us, bad circumstances that occur in our lives.
But more often because of faulty thinking.
The fact is that our emotions are cause because of our thoughts.

Now I am not very religious, but this makes sense.

(2 Cor. 10:12) We Should not compare ourselves with somebody else because everyone is unique.
There is only one person that you can be and that is you.

My heart is heavy tonight.

Love is a word that is over used.
It is so over used that it no longer holds meaning to myself, nor many around me.


I am the type that is does not matter if I'm happy as long as you're happy.
I will put you first because I hate to see others fall.
This may be looked on as a saints habit, but it is poison in itself,
for it drags me down each time I hold someone up.


Today I wrote on my wrists,


LOVE HOPE

I will wonder for eternity if this was a waist of ink.

I am destroying myself more and more each day.
Yes, be glad it is not physical.
That at this point alone, it is only emotional,
but be aware that when there are no more emotional walls to tear down,
The physical ones start to crumble.


Once again.

Another line without a hook.
She told me to give up on him,
his best friend said the same,
he said he was never worth it,
but the more I think,
the less I see and now I'm
drowning in everyones sympathy.


I feel like everyone around me is just giving up on me.

I keep thinking Billy is going to hear some kind of bad news. Like he's going to tell me the last thing I want to hear.
I'm a little confused with this whole situation. In all honesty, I have too much to say and not enough to say. I'm a mess ,my head spinning.
I'm fine. Who knows anymore. I keep rewriting this paragraph I have on my iphone. I don't know where I'm going with it.


"-feelings are disturbing.
People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous.
Pain is meant to wake me up.
So wake me up. I'm tired of being thrown away everytime
you want to explore the new girl,
caught up in her cocaine and champaigne.
The thoughts escape my head"

What am I trying to accomplish here. There's nothing left.

It seems like lately, I have all these words in my head, I want to scream at everyone around me because nothing is going my way. I haven't wrote here in a while. I don't know what brought me back to livejournal, this place is just full of sick, dark memories. The last 3 years of my life have been nothing but shit and include people who infect me with their diseases. Disgusting how I try to find peoples' true inner makings when all that's left is dust.

One thing in particular that means more than a fucking $12 stamp to a show Wednesday. I'm just craving to be by his side again. He makes me, happy? I guess I could say, happy. Yes, I mean it and I'm sure he knows who he is.
Just to let you know hun. You're worth all the love I have to give. Yes I mean it. You're like the one human being left in the world who's soul hasn't turned to ashes.
I wanted to give up on you a few times, but something keeps pushing me forward. I can't grasp what that factor is.
I just want you to know I'm falling for you. I'm going to keep trying, even if that makes me an asshole ;]